“Never slap a man who chews tobacco.” Williard Scott

It is truly amazing that I am not incarcerated.  Seriously.  This probably warrants and explanation for those of you that do not know me personally….for those happy few that do… you know that it truly is a miracle that I am not caged.  ;)

Perhaps I should take this time to elaborate… onward and upward eh?

My day began early.  IPG is a lark and leaps happily out of bed humming and singing while forest animals chirp around her a la Cinderella.  No really I am a morning person.  HOWEVER hubs is NOT.  He thinks that hitting the snooze button is an Olympic sport…since he has to get up earlier than IPG…she on occasion finds this behavior annoying.

IPG had to return an enormous (6ft) sconce to this snotty boutique that she frequents.  (This whole thing is probably IPG’s fault as she should stop frequenting snotty boutiques).  The sconce was the perfect width, but expensive, and the mirror on the sconce was scratched.  Upon arriving to the snotty boutique the festivities begin.  A snotty member of the help at said boutique tries to give IPG a hard time about returning the sconce.  IMPORTANT NOTE HERE the sconce is 1 week old AND IPG has her receipt.   Enter the incarceration portion of the evening. 

On occasion some people need a swift smack in the face.  Just.  Right. In. The. Face.  IPG wanted to smack this clerk.  IPG resigns herself to just rolling her eyes at the snotty clerk. 

Blah blah blah…SC suggests some ridiculous suggestions to IPG.  Blah blah blah. 

IPG: “Here is the receipt. “

Snotty Clerk (SC): “Maybe you just can’t make the mirrors work.”

IPG: “Despite being from the south I am fully capable of operating a mirror.  I look in the mirror…I see my reflection.  That is how mirrors work.  However this mirror has a big scratch on it.  I do not have a big scratch on my face.  That would be a scratch on the mirror.”

SC:  Maybe you would like this nice vase. 

IPG: That vase is lime green and it is a vase.  Not something to …HANG ON THE WALL.

SC:  Perhaps you would like this table.

IPG: Perhaps I am not speaking English.  How shall I put a table on the wall?

SC: I don’t know I was looking for something in a similar price range.

IPG: How would that help my decorating conundrum?  (Note to self: don’t use large words like conundrum with snotty clerks).

SC: What about this wet bar?

***And here is where I think that I should be allowed to smack with dispensation.  A wet bar?  Really?  It is bad enough SC implied I could not use a mirror as if I am some sort of Vampire, but what in God’s name does a wet bar have to do with a wall decoration….meanwhile back at the ranch.

IPG: Give me my money back.  I am growing dumber by the minute.

Exit IPG