My baby

There is so much I need to discuss about my dysfunctional department, but until I get my dominoes in a row I gotta pontificate on other matters. :) I was looking over some of my last few posts and YOWZA! I gotta keep it pithy.


We have my stepdaughter living with us for the summer. Can I just say that I love it? I look forward to it all year long. She comes and stays and I get to be a mom for the summer. I met her when she was 5 (nearly 6), and at almost 10 I have known her most of her life. Her parents divorced when she was six months old, so before you start painting a scarlet A on my chest...the divorce was way over when I meandered into the picture.

As far as children go...I have never wanted to be a mom. Having children has never been something I wanted to do. I have always been so goal oriented. I want to finish my Ph.D. ...I want tenure, and I want to have accumulated my first million by the time I am 40. All of that is possible, and would be a lot easier to do with out a child. All my life people have told me I will change my mind. But I don't feel the urge. I have friends that are pregnant and outside of a mild curiosity...I am not interested. I am not such a fan of babies. Take my stepdaughter for instance...she is old enough to watch the news with me and discuss current events. I am working on her math this summer with her. She is this tiny person that has a blank path laid out in front of her. She captures my interest and I can spend hours with her discussing topics and watching how her mind works. There is no way that a baby can be that intellectually stimulating.

I kept thinking that when I turned 30 that my mind would change, but I believe that turning 30 has merely exacerbated the feeling that I am not designed to be a mom. My mother stayed home and took care of my sister and I. She is the smartest woman I know, and at times I just wonder if it was a waste. Does she resent me? Those high power earning years? Does she ever think she should have pursued a career that could have fulfilled her? She has a masters degree in economics, and she never got to practice as an economist. As I said earlier I feel as though being a Ph.D. student has consumed my identity...I know that becoming a mom would completely command my identity.

Before anyone reading this gets incensed...these are my own personal feelings. According to my mother all these feelings would/could change the minute someone put my child in my arms. But as things stand I am frustrated with the state of this country. I am frustrated with paying into a social security system that is broken. I am annoyed that the illegal immigration issue can't be fixed with out breaking me "Jane Taxpayer's back." I want a fair tax so that I don't continue paying more income tax. I am tired of paying all those taxes. I also think the country has gone mad. I am all for freedom of speech, but I just do not understand how ridiculous things like speakers at a high school encouraging students to take drugs and have sex can mostly be ignored. So aside from all these issues...is this a place I would want to bring a child?

And on an even more selfish note any financial adviser will tell you that if you want to be wealthy you must not have children. I already have one child. She is 10, and I have plans for the car I will give her at 16. I have her college education taken care of already. Surely those two big ticket items take care of some of the financial burden. Other than paying for her wedding one day...I think I have planned pretty well! At any rate, wealth is something I work hard at building. I want to be independently wealthy so financially that has to be a consideration.

On the flipside my husband would like another child. We go back and forth as a couple about what we are going to do. Thankfully I won't be out of school for another year at least so I have time to decide. :)