“If it doesn't work out there will never be any doubt that the pleasure was worth all the pain.” Jimmy Buffett

I just took 2 Advil PMs. Hopefully I will be yawning off here anytime. This is going to be a patchwork post.

1.) I will be blogging about my experience teaching online while taking a Caribbean cruise this will be on Wednesday or Thursday.
2.) I will be putting up fun trip pictures probably Thursday or Friday.

The reason for the delay is I scratched my cornea, and I have a hard time staring at screen too long.

So here are some random things that have been on my mind.
A.) Am I ready to be a parent? When my stepdaughter is here I spend the whole time dreading her going home. My stomach hurts just thinking about it nearly the minute she steps off the plane. But I am not a real parent. I am the non-custodial stepparent. In the hierarchy of parents that puts me at the bottom. It goes mom, dad, custodial stepparent (in this case her stepdad), me. My relationship with her gets to be 2 parts friend one part parent. I have mentioned before how much I love this little girl. But it is really tough seeing her go.

I have often wondered what it must be like for her mom...packing her up all summer to go live at a woman's house that she hasn't ever been. It must be so many emotions mixed into one that it is impossible to describe. I know that I have odd thoughts when I am packing her up to send her home. Does my stepdaughter appreciate the things that only I can show her? Does she remember? Have I had an impact on her life?

But back to the original question am I ready to be a parent? I love her dad more than air. I love him as the piece of me that I didn't know I didn't have until I met him. I would love to have a child with him to be part of a bond with him in that sense. But on the other side. I like my freedom. My stepdaughter is almost 11. She can do almost anything that we want to do as a family.

Another thing...I forget that my stepdaughter has big ears. I forget and mention to her dad things that are not KID things to hear. Like maybe I am making a smart remark about someone or I am being sarcastic. These are not qualities that I wish to pass down. I always forget, and right away she picks it up. Let me give an example, there was a screw up at the airline on Sunday so she had to leave Monday. When I called to straighten it out they (Delta) said that she was going to have to spend the night in Atlanta Sunday night and return to Phoenix the next day. I patiently explained that it was impossible because she was ten. The girl then asked me if she wanted a rental car. I hate to admit, but I lost my cool a bit then; she (my stepdaughter) heard every word I was having with the airline.

Should we or shouldn't we? When am I going to hear a NICE LOUD tick if I own an biological clock?