Beth, Comps, and more

I will bring the quotations back when I feel like it...right now I am just focusing on a few other things that are more important.

They took Beth off the respirator yesterday. She can breathe on her own, but she is showing no brain activity. It seems as though I am going to have to accept that the Beth I know is gone. My other friend Elsa...the third part of the Beth and I three pack is dealing with things in her own way. It hurts too. She says she can't talk to me. But I feel as though talking to her would make me feel better. I think deep down she blames me for not being on the next plane to El Paso. But Beth who is/was a high school principle was so proud of me pursuing my PhD. She would have wanted me to take care of my comps, and then come I think. I don't know. I wanted to go yesterday, and would have come back Wednesday...a tough turnaround for sure. But if I wait until Saturday I can stay for 2 or 3 weeks or as long as I need to stay.

I didn't study at all yesterday. I just couldn't concentrate. I am a firm believer in not pushing myself when I can't take it. I know my limits. One of the reasons I started preparing in January was so that if something came up. I would be prepared. I can obviously see the God knew what he was doing when he gave me the drive to get prepared early. Now I will have to study Thursday...a day I had earmarked as a mental health day for myself. It is ok though because I kind of gave yesterday to Beth. Once I get to El Paso...I will feel better I think. I just need to go hold her hand even if she doesn't know I am there.

I don't know if I am sounding selfish or not. I don't mean to. I just want her to be better. I want her to get well. I don't think that is possible...so I want the opportunity to say goodbye. I found a text message on my phone the other day that she sent me for not calling her back. I texted "I will call you tonight I swear." and She texted "Yes, and Christmas is coming too." That is how I am going to remember Beth.