Reflections

I have a Bible study with a really great group of girls on Tuesday nights. It is a great way for me to go spend time with the girls...get out of the house, and learn about what the Bible says to women. This particular group really has a hodge podge of women: single girls, married girls, moms, girls that can't get pregnant, girls that don't want to get pregnant, divorcees, soon to be moms, soon to be divorcees, and soon to be marrieds. One thing I enjoy the most out of this meeting is realizing that everyone is going through something all of the time.

It may not seem like a big something. Perhaps it is sometimg small, but all these ladies have a story to tell. Right now I am struggling because I really do not want to live in Phoenix. I want to stay right here near my mom and daddy. I don't want to trot on the other side of the country. I miss SD fiercely, but I miss my folks too.

The Bible study we are currently doing is called the Frazzled Female. I love it. It has made me start thinking about the baby issue again. People have a pretty narrow mind about what they think about a woman that is not necessarily interested in having children. Some choice stereotypes include: "They don't like kids," or, "They don't have any maternal part of them," or, "They're too career-driven," or, "They're selfish." Something else I feel like is that I have set foot in a political type position I never asked to be a part of. I feel more like "Hey I am just living my life...not making any sort of a political stand." But as my marriage hit that magic 3 year mark the questions started. When? When? When? My marriage also dove tailed with my completing my comprehensive exams. Meaning that I am only working on my dissertation at this point. An alignment of the stars that seems to scream the need to get busy procreating.

In addition is the fact that I work from home. I don't have any jarring reason towards wanting to wait. I just have all these nagging questions. Such as will I still be me? What will happen to the research I love? Will I trade all that in for a discussion about pacifiers and bottle nipples? Will I cease to be Dr. IPG and just have to settle for being Dr. Mom? Will my husband still love the eccentric intelligent woman he married or will I become so dissolved in "mommy brain" that I can't construct an enlightened sentence? Why does it seem like everything involving children is a sacrifice? Where is my mommy gene?