To live outside the law you must be honest- Bob Dylan

This might seem like a strange quotation to start today's blog with…because IPG rarely does anything outside the law. Speeding…not using her turn signal…parking the wrong way on a one way street…your hardened criminal she is not.

However, IPG has been thinking frequently about what it would be like to be younger again. Specifically she would like to be about 21-25 again. Who wouldn't right? It was during that time of her life that IPG had the most fun.

Ok let me quit talking in the 3^rd person and explain myself. Lately I have just been feeling a bit downtrodden. I put on this ridiculously cheery face for anyone that is around me…this includes Bey, SD, friends, family, strangers, people at the gym, people on the blog. But what is really going on is that some days the dissertation flies by. Sometimes I get stuck in what seems like a swamp. I am trying to off road in a golf cart. Partly this ridiculously cheery face is just part of my everyday wardrobe. I really am a optimistic upbeat person, but partly I feel like I have to fulfill this stupid role.

Actually I want to get PISSED …I want to sit in the floor and cry…I want to watch movies and play Lego Batman all day. Basically here is the low down. I get to a place where I just want to ram my head against the wall. Or perhaps write on my dissertation "THE FREAKING END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" with at least 50 exclamation points.

So going back to the beginning of the blog post, I would like to be between the ages of 21-25 again. I hadn't ever had any serious health problems at that point. I only had to answer to myself. My loyal dog was still alive. If I went out and stayed out until 6 AM no one told me I was immature. No one my age that I was friends with had died. I didn't feel like if I didn't get off the fence about this baby thing then I would run out of time. The idea of a baby hadn't even crossed my mind. The idea of committing to an appliance hadn't even crossed my mind. These days my life is so full of adult stuff. It clutters my mind.

I want to go back to worrying about whether or not my shoes match my purse or if I bought milk last time or was it my roommate. I want a redo. I want to sit in a place called The Duck in Auburn, Alabama and wonder what I am going to be like when I grow up. I want to revisit these Fjords in Norway that are so amazing that you literally have to suck in your breath. I want to drive to Panama City Beach in the middle of the night just to watch the sunrise on the beach. I want snarky friends that don't talk to me about their house payments or their baby keeping them up at night. But what I want most in the world is I want this dissertation finished.

There are two reasons that this post sounds so ridiculously angry. The first is because I am totally stalled on the dissertation right now, and that as I have said before is frustrating. The second is Bey leaves tomorrow for his interview. I want him to get this job, but I know it just means more changes for me. It might mean more stuff for me to do as well. I don't mind having a great big pile on my plate. And him getting this job is what I really really want…but it just so happens to be coinciding with a particularly stressful part of my dissertation process.

Thanks for the vent.